Comedic Movies (And What Folks Said in Them)

It is difficult to find comedic movies that I think are truly funny. When I do find one, that means that particular movie is going to be full of quotes that my daughter and I say to each other. Sometimes we find little gems by accident channel surfing on Sunday morning. Our first three offerings fall under that category. The rest are movies that are arguably more well known. So without further ado, here are some movie lines for your enjoyment…

—“I asked a customer what he wanted and he told me to ‘fuck off’” Caffeine

(This Brit flick, which we saw one Sunday morning perusing the channels, featured Mark Pellegrino as Tom the waiter, who is working in a nut house. This was our most popular line, we still quote it whenever we see Mark in any program)

—“It’s all right captain. We always knew you were a whoopsie” Stardust

(This old sailor consoles Robert DeNiro’s captain Shakespeare after he’s been “outed”)

—“She is Sylvia”

—“Is she drunk?”

—“I hope so” 

Under The Tuscan Sun

(Frances is speaking to Senor Martini about her friend Katherine who is sauntering fully clothed around the fountain in the town square)

—“You wanna step on a real landmine? You wanna get shot by a real muther-fucker?” Tropic Thunder

(Okay, I was NOT going to see t his movie; but my son brought it over and my daughter all but tied me down to watch it. I was rolling…)

—“Give me that map!” Tropic Thunder

(Robert Downey Jr really was hilarious. He snatches the map from the clueless Ben Stiller)

—“Carmine said one boy, here are two.”  (Keeps repeating)

—“Boy, you gotta love this guy” The Freshman

(Larry London is somewhat eccentric, and his two couriers have no idea what to do with him)

—“Mein herz scwebt in blut. That means my heart swims in blood” The Freshman

(Eccentric doesn’t begin to describe Larry London. And Matthew Broderick’s Clark Kellogg has no clue what’s going on here)

—“Larry London called my father…said how kind you were, how sensitive. If you weren’t all those things, do you think Vic would be downtown right now, buying you a gun?”

—“A gun?”

—“Yes, a gun. You’re going to need a gun, Clark, people are chasing you.”

The Freshman

(Penelope Ann Miller. Classic)

 

What’s Your Favorite Sitcom?

I am not big on sitcoms generally. But when I find one I like, it is usually one full of favorites lines. Here are some from the old sitcom, Frasier.

—“I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange”

(Frasier and Niles have some of the best interplay of any two characters I’ve seen, but I especially like this episode, “The Doctor is Out”)

—“Looks like Nigel won’t be the only one giving up his seat tonight”

(Same episode; Niles’ deadpan lines are hilarious)

—“He’s not gay! Where as you Miss Marple you’ve just been outed.” 

(Roz defends her new not gay boyfriend)

—“you poor man! How long must you have dreaded this dark but inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing; instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame”

(Gil commiserates with Frasier on his “outing”)

—“Oh yes, you will see me tomorrow. And By the rings of Septaurus 5, you will pay Dr. Crane, you will (oh hi Kenny) pay”

—“What was that?”

—“It was the classic Hebrew blessing, tu-ock-bok-nech!”

—”That’s not gibberish, that’s Klingon! Freddie’s dad just blessed him in Klingon”

(Dorky Noel teaches Frasier a blessing for Frederick’s bar mitzvah; it was supposed to be in Hebrew, but turned out to be in Klingon)

—“How rude! Or, she’s horrible, I’ve made a ghastly, ghastly mistake”

(Most of the lines I like from Frasier are somone else’s. Every so often though, Frasier throws in one that has me roaring. This one from his ill-advised union with Felicity Huffman’s caustic character is priceless.)

—”I’m hearing that your relatives are a source of anger for you”

—”so, aren’t yours

—”well they might be if I still talked to any of them”

(Daphne tells the doctor how her brother Simon sent her over the deep end)

—“You’re not  having a last call of your own in here, are you Stilts?”

(Ne’er-do-well Simon was one of the funniest recurring characters on the show. But he shows some insight picking up on the tension between Daphne and Niles on the night before her wedding)

—“servants!”

—“there’s a back aching for the lash!”

—“I’m moving as fast as I can”

(The brothers think they’re descended from the Romanovs, but Daphne is not impressed)

—”I’m calling the cops”

—“The hell you are. This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you’ll ever smoke. Just back off cowboy”

(Roz defends the naked Niles, as he freaks out in the coffee shop)

—“Put your brother…put your brother on the phone…PUT YOUR BROTHER ON THE PHONE”

—“GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!  No, not you, not you, not you.”

(Jean Smart’s Lana was hilarious, but never more than when she was talking to her son, Kirby)

“Minnie Don’t Burn Chicken”

My daughter and I recently went to see the movie “The Help.” When Octavia Spencer’s character deadpanned that line, my daughter’s first response was “you have to put that in your blog.” So, with Minnie and her no chicken burning in mind, here are some more chronicles of my favorite lines from movie dramas.

—“Christina? Christina’s gone. Your little tramp didn’t leave any money to pay her, so she left. Just like your little slut. She packed all of her things, (and some of yours) and left.”                 Diary of A Mad Black Woman

(Yep, here’s a scene with a woman who gets a chance to get back at the man who sooo wrongfully treated her, but this is my personal  favorite line)

—“…He said, ‘peace be still, that’s what he said'”

—”As long as you have some steel, you gonna have peace—load your steel, thank you, Jesus”  Diary of A Mad Black Woman

(Of course, Madea is no doubt the main reason anyone watches a Tyler Perry movie. She’s the reason I watch any of them)

—“Then let him sign it. And it let it be done with”  Elizabeth

(Old Elizabeth I was gonna get ALL her little conspirators)

—“Don’t bring our illustrious leader into your treachery, confess spy bastard, confess”  Enemy At The Gates

(My daughter loves this scene with Ron Perlman’s character giving Jude Law’s character the heads up on life political life in communist Russia, circa WWII)

—“Security will run you down hard.”

—“And I will lead them a merry chase”  Inception

(I think my daughter just likes this exchange between Tom Hardy’s Eames and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Arthur just because she likes Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt)

—“Then why do I have the jack of clubs in my fucking pocket?” Malice

(Mama-in-law the grifter is gonna teach poor clueless son-in-law something about his wife, but then, this scene was all about Bill Pullman’s journey to find out who he REALLY married)

—“How close a friend?”

—“Closer than his wife would like”  Outbreak

(So they’re trying to find the source of the deadly virus and who should they wind up talking to but Mrs Pananides who has a friend in  the Coast Guard)

—“…I don’t know what hovers over this house, but it was strong enough to punch a hole into this world and take your daughter away from you”  Poltergist

(Okay, so this whole scene with Tangina was a little freaky, but when she started talking about the “beast” and looking all ominous, I think that’s when I would have headed for the hills)

—“…You son of a bitch. You moved the cemetery but you didn’t move the bodies, you didn’t move the bodies!” Poltergist

(My daughter swears that Steven is pretty much useless. In this scene he spends all his time recriminating Teague while his wife is going out of her mind actually trying to save herself and her children)

Drama, drama, drama

So, we’re watching some movie dramas and here are some of our favorite quotes from that particular genre:

—“Was that a goddamn shark broke through that door?”

—“I expect so.”

—“You expect so. Huh. Well, well, well. Am I the only asshole here who thinks that a tad bit odd? It can do that? Bust through a steel door?” Deep Blue Sea

(My daughter and I love the delivery of Samuel L Jackson, who plays Russell Franklin in this thriller about out-of-control sharks who have had  their brains enhanced and are now chasing their captors)

—”Private Santiago’s dead, and that is a tragedy. But he is dead because he had no code; he is dead because he had no honor—and God was watching.” A Few Good Men

(Keifer Sutherland’s semi-sociopath Lt Kendrick stuns Tom Cruise’s Lt Kaffee and Kevin Pollak’s Lt Weinberg as they visit the crime scene)

—“Let me get this straight…you think your employer, one of the richest most powerful men in the world is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his fists, and your plan is to blackmail this person? Well, good luck with that”  Batman:The Dark Knight

(Morgan Freeman, as Lucius Fox does stoic incredulity like no one’s business)

—“Find a spot on that bloody wall and fix your eyes on that spot. Then, whip your hear around and come back to that spot.” Billy Elliott

(Mrs Wilkinson to Billy as he begins his ballet training)

—“Mr. Cobb, you’re aware of the name of this ship, aren’t you Mister Cobb?”

—”Very aware sir!”

—”It bears a proud name, doesn’t it, Mr. COB?”

—”Very proud, sir!”

—”It represents fine people.”

—”Very fine people, sir!”

—”Who live in a fine, outstanding state.”

—”Outstanding, sir!”

—”In the greatest country in the entire world.”

—”In the entire world, sir!”

—“And what is that name, Mr Cob?”

—”Alabama!”

—”And what do we say?”

(Crew)—“Go Bama! Roll Tide!” Crimson Tide

(This exchange between Gene Hackman’s Capt Ramsey and George Dzundza’s Chief of The Boat is one of the most stirring  call-to-arms I have ever heard; of is that only because I am a vet?)

 

Renaissance Man

This Danny DeVito movie, about a man who uses Shakespeare as a teaching tool for a group of not-so-bright Army recruits has one especially memorable moment that struck me, as a vet as being right on target. Any vets out there?

He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispian:’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.’
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember’d;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; — Henry V to Westmoreland

(Private Benitez reciting this excerpt from Henry V at the behest of Sgt Cass. Sgt Cass who begins this particular scene with a disdain for Shakespeare thinking it has no relevance to military training, is struck silent as he hears the words of Henry)

Animation, Animation

Animation, animation, animation. Every Disney/Pixar movie that comes down the pike, my daughter and I are first in line at the movies. We love Dreamworks. If it’s animated we want to see it. If it’s good, we are also the first to hit the video store when the DVDs come out. Here are some of our favorites:

“You were like whoa, and we were like whoa, and you were like whoooaaa” — Finding Nemo

(150 years-young Crush surfer dude sea turtle to Marlin on his trek to find Nemo)

“He’s swimming and he’s swimming and he’s giving it all he’s got…” —Finding Nemo

(My personal favorite character, Nigel, tells Nemo his father is in fact looking for him)

“Denial” —Finding Nemo

(Anchor, Chum and Bruce, the three Fish Anonymous sharks to Marlin)

“I am hurt! I am very much hurt!” —Finding Nemo

(Roughnut, always mouthing off to his sister, gets thumped by dragons in a couple of encounters)

“Quit, don’t quit; noodles, don’t noodles…” —Kung Fu Panda

(Again my favorite character in this movie, Oogway, the wise old turtle to Po as Po questions his designation as  the Dragon Warrior

“What the heck is wrong with you. Why’d you bite me?” —Madagascar

(Marty to Alex, when Alex finally begins to give in to his natural hunter’s instinct)

 “Of course we’re going to throw poo at him.” —Madagascar

(Love those monkeys)

“You’re doing it wrong” —Surf’s Up

(My daughter loves this; Big Z takes on the task of teaching Cody how to make a surfboard. This comment is Cody’s attempt to begin carving the board)

“Stepped on me? He was dancing on me. Look at this, broken, broken, gone, gone, broken, broken, broken” —Surf’s Up

(This is so hilarious. Sea urchin speaking to the camera)

Any “Closer” Fans Out There?

My daughter and I love this show. I mean, seriously watch when it is on, run right out and buy the season series when it comes out, that kind of love. So, for all of you “Closer” fans, here are some of our favorite quotes from the show. Again, they are in no particular order.

“…will be grounds for a very long and expensive lawsuit in which I will drag your client into court and we can example Estelle Pope’s adulterous behavior with vigorous attention to detail. Did you get all of that?”

(Attorney Tom Blanchard at Will Pope’s custody hearing)

—”…now you can go.”

—”and you can stay!”

(Brenda to Austin after his escape to Mexico in an attempt to avoid prosecution for rape)

—”Where are Flynn and Provenza?!!”

(The faithful will recognize this line from the first Flynn and Provenza debacle)

—”Oh I’m sorry. All I heard was blah, blah, blah, lesbian.”

(Provenza on his old partner Georgette’s gender reassignment)

—“What’s happening? What’s he doing?”

—“What do you think she’s doing. She’s crying. You hurt her feelings.”

—“feelings?”

—“yes my feelings, you insensitive bastard!”

(Poor clueless Provenza. But this for me was Beau Bridges at his finest)

—“so tell us doc, with a hip like that, would Albert have been able to drag a 30 lb ladder, from the garage to the house?”

—“um,”

—”and climb up the rungs without any assistance?”

—”and crawl out on the flagpole…”

—”maintaining his balance while drunk off his ass…”

—”while tying a knot to the furthest end…”

—”leaping to his death?”

—”after a thorough review of my initial findings, I declare that Albert Turner was the victim of a homicide.”

(This tag team assault on  the medical examiner may actually be our very favorite exchange in the whole series)

—“There’s no twist at the end of this story. Amelia did it. You know she did it, I know she did it, her parents know she did it-she had every right to do it…”

(The wife-beating producer winds up dead in his hot tub. His “girlfriend’s” questioning produced this observation; we thought it was on point.)

—“He might’va said, ‘you’ve got the wrong guy.’”

—”He also said, ‘wait, don’t go, I’m scared.’”

(Another Flynn and Provenza episode. This one with Buzz in tow might have been the best yet)

—“…We hated her.”

—”Well as it turns out, a lot of murderers hate their victims”

(Gabriel’s dry delivery makes this line)

—“Hey! Hey! Hey! You have the right to remain silent, why don’t you use it?”

(The very first Bill Croelick episode. What a wonderful psycho!)

—“Chief Pope, how is this my fault?”

—”three words: Flynn and Provenza”

(Pope to Brenda after the dead girl rolls out of Hodge’s casket)

—“that man; he is knife happee”

(Restaurant owner’s assessment of Dennis Dutton when being questioned about his ex-manager’s death)

I want to finish off this “Closer” tribute with what I consider to be one of the best little monologues I have ever heard on a television show. It is from the episode “Serving The King, Part 2.” It’s Brenda’s response to Gabriel’s trepidation about working for the C.I.A.

—”I remember once hearing a speech about what it meant to be an officer of the C.I.A. and the man  who gave this speech, talked about the struggle to control civilization. And how we’re always fighting the same fight. And he used the dark ages as an example. And he talked about how, on the one side, you had the pragmatic king who was greedy and power hungry; and basically took advantage of the people whenever he could. And on the other side, you had the idealistic church forcing everyone to follow the same rules, believe the same things and all that. Neither the king nor the church was ever completely right or wrong; both sides ended up doing terrible things to get what they wanted. Really terrible things. The point of this story was this: that this struggle from the dark ages had been going on forever and the church and the king might take on different forms and philosophies but they would always fight each other. Pragmatists and idealists. And that most times you’re better off standing on the sidelines and letting them duke it out. But every once in a while, one side or the other, decides it might be better to blow up the whole world just to get it’s own way. And when that happens you can’t stand on the sidelines anymore. You have to pick a team. And so, for tonight anyway, we’re serving the king.”

What Do You Find Memorable? cont

Last week I began a post with a short list of quotes my daughter and I recite to each other because we got such a kick of them when we first heard them. Our quotes are from movies, television shows and commercials. Here are some more of our favorites from cartoons, (Ben 10 & The Amazing World of Gumball). This is where someone would ask, what are you, a grown woman with grown kids doing watching cartoons such as Ben 10 and The Amazing World of Gumball? Well, my daughter, a grown woman herself watches these shows which means sooner or later I will come upon her and see something interesting on the tube that captures my attention. When that happens, I usually am only a minute or two from being hooked. So, without further ado, cartoons anyone?

Did you just eat the baby? Eating babies is not cool! — Ben 10

(Ben, as Rath, after delivering the Luoadan prince, the Tiffin  to Jarret of Pantaphage as a “peace offering”)

If I weren’t running for my life, I’d totally demand an explanation — Ben 10

(Kevin to Ben, who has cloned himself, only to find that this particular clone is too “sensitive” to fight)

It was so funny, I blew a fuse. I was like, Ha. Ha-ha-haaaaa (sound of electronic device shutting down) — The Amazing World of Gumball

This plan already reeks of failure — The Amazing World of Gumball

(Anais, after attempting to help Gumball)

Unexpected item in bagging area. Please try scanning more slowly. Insufficient scanning speed, please scan faster; a little faster; a little faster; a little faster. Scan successful. Item unrecognized… — The Amazing World of Gumball

–Hey Tina, can I have the next dance?

–You can have this one. 

— The Amazing World of Gumball

(At a house party, Hector the giant to Tina the Tyrannosaurus Rex)

On a more adult level, here’s one we like from the cartoon The Boondocks;

“Nigga this, nigga that…Can a nigga borrow a French fry?“ My first thought wasn’t, “oh my god, he said the N word, it was, ‘how’s a nigga gonna borrow a French fry?…’” — The Boondocks

(A teacher is having to answer for calling Riley the “N” word. He defends himself by pointing out that Riley is constantly referring to himself using that phrase)

What Do You Find Memorable?

My daughter and I, who love to watch movies and then quote our favorite lines to each other, are compiling our top list of favorite (not so famous) quotes. We throw them into the conversation as is apropos and revisit a scenario that has us laughing. Our list includes lines from movies, TV shows, cartoons, commercials, and even the occasional sports program. So, here are our very favorite quotes (in no particular order)…what’re yours?

“Ahhhhh, we’re fugitives!” —Foster Farms commercial

— (This comes from an early Foster Farms commercial where the chickens, while driving on a road trip are stopped by the cops. While attempting to convince the police that they’re fresh Foster Farms chickens, the officer comments that he thinks he sees freezer burn on them, at which point the chickens floor the gas, and speed away)

“You ain’t got to lie, Craig, you ain’t got to lie” —Friday

(Craig’s super jealous, loud, obnoxious girlfriend)

“…This man is a whore, has always been a whore, will probably always be a whore” —Grey’s Anatomy

(Dr. Bailey “defending” Dr. Sloan after all the nurses he’s slept with won’t work with him)

“You must learn to dream bigger darling” —Inception

(Eames to Arthur)

“You’re crazy! I like that.” — How to Train Your Dragon

(Roughnut to Hiccup)

“Just out of curiosity, do you remember which one of us toothless rednecks it was that invited you here in the first place?” — Justified

(Art to Pinter. This is one of my favorite lines from a show that has a bunch of great lines; in this instance, Pinter the New Yorker is complaining how much he hates being in Kentucky with all the rednecks)

“I am Shiva, God of Death” — Michael Clayton

(Michael Clayton to Don Jeffries)

“She was like, ‘I hate my job, I’m gonna burn this mother down!’ And I said ‘You better not…you better not.’” — Orange County

(This is the movie where I personally discovered Jack Black, who has been one of my favorite comedic actors ever since.)

“There is also something called a liquor store. Write that down.” — Blast From the Past

(This is Helen, Adam’s mom to Adam as she sends him above ground for the first time. Moms, after 35 years underground in the family’s fall-out shelter is going just a little crazy)

“Get it, get it, get it!” — Madagascar

(Alex and the spider. Alex the lion freaks out after finding himself in the wild with his friends and discovering a spider on his back.)